My hubby and I are bipolar or something. We can be the best of friends and lovers. When we're good together, we're super unstoppable and all the things that are unbelievable but when we fight and don't get along we are pure HELL to ourselves, each other and anyone around us. I always wanted a guy who is intense and passionate like me and as they say, "Be careful what you wish" because that's just what I'm getting and just what he's getting. And we don't like the negative intensity part but we love the positive part of someone who is so intense and passionate and so similar to ourselves.
Everything we do is intense. Whether making love or working on a business project, we are there heart, mind, body and soul. And that is the advantage. But when we have one little disagreement, it soars into shouting matches where neither of us are going to back down and neither of us are going to shut up. It's like fighting with yourself. I tell him that most men will shut up and walk away but he has to keep on talking and getting in the last word just like a woman. He has anger and emotional spells just like a woman who's PMS-ing. I mean, I want a guy who's sensitive and caring but this is much too much.
Both of us have been through a lot including really bad marriages and lots of baggage. He doesn't admit that he dragged his baggage into the marriage and has not learned to let them go but I do admit that I've dragged mine and tend to repeat the same patterns. He is even more emotional and sensitive than I am. I feel like I'm the man in this marriage in regards to this. I think until he sees this and until both of us agree that we have to grow up and make some internal changes within ourselves it's going to just fall apart. And I don't even think that I care.
I have to search for reasons and reminders of whether or not I love him. He does the same too even though he won't admit it but he throws the word "divorce" around pretty easily. I think I'm just tired. I think he's tired. Tired from all the years of the past marriage, all the fighting and the junk that of the baggage. And getting married again I just thought it would be different with someone else but even though he's nothing like my ex, here I find myself kind of not wanting to be married. Maybe not kind of... a lot of times I wish I hadn't remarried. I used to question why I don't even care and now I don't even care that I don't care.
Every now and then I will search for reasons to tell myself that I love him and that we did fall in love. Yet many times I just feel that we were both not wanting to be alone and created some fantasy that things will be picture perfect with someone new. Then like many people do realize that we are looking at the other person to provide all our needs and wants. And that we expect them to be exactly how we want them to be just at the right time when we can't even get a grip on our own selves. Yet I'm very disappointed that I'm usually the one who has to calm things down, teach him how to control himself and calm his anger. I'm pretty much getting sick of this. Having to show someone the way and build up their self esteem all the time or fighting over things just because he's so intense and anal retentive is ridiculous!
I guess I just want to know if we're both being stubborn and childish? Do we really not love each other? Is this fixable? I'd like feedback from other people, please.
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